By Geoffery Medweth

We take road testing very seriously where I work. We give candidates a copy of the road test well in advance of the test, and then we road test them for some two hours.

I classify candidates into three groups: The good ones, who know what they are doing (and study in advance); the bad ones who know not what they are doing and prove it; and finally the seals.

The seals are the ones who pass the test, but that’s about all they can do.I equate them to the trained seal playing “Row-Row-Row your Boat” at the local marine amusement park.

Sure, he might be able to play the song, but does that make him a musician? Because it’s important to discern seal drivers from real drivers, I came up with this short list of “tells” and character types that help us make that all-important distinction.

1. Ralph Lauren Meets Clem Kadiddlehopper

This is not a job with the CIA, so there’s no jacket required. On the other hand, please do not show up looking like you just finished a hog-corralling competition. Either extreme — uber-formality or utter slovenliness — is suspect.

2. B.O. Means K.O.

You may end up driving alone, but if I have to ride around with you for an hour or so, please do not inflict your pheromones on me. Bathe and brush your teeth before coming to see me. Please. (And is that really how you’d show up at a customer’s?)

3. The Quizmaster

If you know how to do a pretrip, then you will not have to ask me “what’s next?” or “am I done?” If you need to ask, you don’t know the answer.

4. Ricky Bobby and His Amazing NASCAR Pretrip

Sign number-one of incompetence: Doing 500 laps of the truck, trying to pick off items. I might let you go back once if you immediately remember that something was forgotten, but after the third ring around the rosey, I know you’re on a fishing trip.

5. Flashing your Red Green Card

Pointing at the a/c compressor and calling it the alternator does not instill confidence. Not knowing the difference between coolant and washer fluid tells me you will soon be cooking an engine for some other company.

6. Mr. “It Seemed Like a Good Idea at The Time.”

If you grab the king pin and shake it, telling me you do this to “ensure it’s solid,” you are in the wrong line of work. Consider that in two minutes you are about to hit it with all the force of a 19,000-lb truck. In pulling on it feebly, all you have managed to do is ruin a pair of gloves.

7. Showing Off your Amazing Super-hearing Powers

The same applies to sticking your head out the window and listening for air leaks. The proper way to check for leaks is to shut the truck off, release the brakes, apply hand and foot brakes and watch your gauge.

8. The Strong, Silent (unemployed) Type

Be prepared to talk. I never stand stoically with my clipboard like a road-tester from central casting. I like to ask about previous experience and to get to know the candidate. It’s part of the job application. If I sense you’re not forthcoming with information, I’ll wonder if you’re being honest. Finally, if you do the pretrip smoothly, prove that you can drive and be a half-decent conversationalist, you’ve made me actually enjoy this two-hour break from my office. What more could a driver tester want?

— Geoffrey Medweth is Milton Terminal Operations Manager for Arnold Bros. Transport.